Hi, for those of you who just tuned in, everyone here is a crazy person.

 I cannot believe I have finished all my exams, all my essays are done, not tests to study for, and no quizzes. Has the world gone mad? Nah, its 'winter break'. Currently number 3 on my list of lovely phrases. Number 2 is 'This diamond is too small, I'll get you another one!' and Number 1 with a bullet is 'Of course you are right, Honey'. Someday I will hear these words, someday...OK. It's late, and I'm... I'm very tired now, so, I'm just gonna go far away and be... away.  I wish I had the money to do that.

You're angry, and frustrated. I like that in a girl.

Fight! I normally don't fight. I am a mushroom of peace. Meaning I sit there and take it until I cannot take anymore than I do the exploding thing. Or it means as long as the environment is peaceful as am I. Ohhhhh but yesterday Spencer and I had a FIGHT. Yah, all captials people. It was one of those we are never gonna agree on things, money. I had a job that was bringing extra cash, totally unanticipated. Spencer had plans for that money before I even touched it. Life got in the way. I went grocery shopping, had lunch, printed my essay, parked at school and went out with a friend which lately I never do anymore. I did not even get to buy gifts that is how strict I was and every time I spent money I told Spencer or he was there. So what is the deal? What's with the whole embodiment of nasty when he talked to me? Why was he so mad that the amount he wanted to save was not up to par? He knew it was happening, he came to the art class, he ate the Mcdonalds. <Remind me never again to buy that crap, it made me sick ugh> Why did he not take the money if he was gonna scream at me later? I would have prefered a mini fight over that than this huge one.You know your partner's high points and lows don't you? How about we be a TEAM and work together?

There is always time for an emotionally scaring back story.

I just finished an exam and an essay today.Yesterday I did an exam and on monday I had an exam. I slept so little yesterday that the concept of numbers cannot even quantify the amount. I am a former teenage zombie except I'm all vegan now and I totally don't eat brains...Delicious, moist brains....Seriously, my point and I think I do have one, the absolute purpose of school <and shhhhh dont tell anyone> is to kill you. Slowly, swiftly, surely, like a cobra stalking their prey. School sinks its expensive fangs into your soft tender flesh and poisons you with knowledge, stealing your ignorance and youth, your former joy in learning. Curling you up into a little corner of horror, ABSOLUTE HORROR! Wow, I think I just scared myself and not the fun kind of scare. No, no, its the bloodcurdling kind. I wanted to go out and party because I have only one exam, oh and one essay left but I cannot even muster the energy.

I'm baking an inception cake, and it has layers!!

Dea: "YAY!"
Spencer: " No Dea, that's bad!"
Ever notice that's the way it goes... I have a great idea involving the simplest of matters, a spoon, a monkey and copious amounts of money. But does anyone appreciate my genius??? NOOOOOO!
I get " That's not feasible!"
        "We can't afford that!"
        "That's breaking the laws of the known universe!"
Blah blah blah...I can’t live the buttoned down life like you. I want it all! The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles! Sure, I might offend a few of the blue-noses with my cocky stride  - oh, I’ll never be the darling of the so-called ‘City Mothers’ who cluck their tongues, stroke their skirts, and talk about what’s to be done with this Dea? Can anyone else tell I have no idea what to do with my english essay? I do not hate english class but starting an essay is pure torture. Really, where's the geneva convention now?

Having all these thoughts, and I'm pretty sure they all contradict each other.

Is it possible to turn one's brain off? I do not mean in that fatal, you are dead, zombie kill sort of way. I mean to sleep without nightmares or waking early and than not being able to go back to sleep. AHHHH sleep, I love you so much. I mean it, I have never felt this way before. I long for you when I am in class. I yearn for your sweet, sweet amnesia inducing embrace. I have loved before but not like this... This love affair with sleep began before Spencer and still continues <I'm so sorry, my darling> but I have to be true. To this adoration that I have been denying of late. I want you! I need you! Why, why do you tease me so? I am preetty sure I am writing this blog under extreme sleep deprivation and later I will re-read this and wonder what the H... I was talking about. The funny thing is ... I dont remember. 4 hours sleep and an 8 o'clock class are not funny.  I think I need a nap and a pillow and a soft bed and soft nice smelling sheets and ....snore....

I've been around you too much, your insanity is rubbing off

Seriously, I am trying not freak out but I think my university is trying to kill me! Does anyone remember high school being this awful? Exams up the ying yang, essays and quizes filled with doom... Really? Really? Oh it better be worth the late nights, freak sessions with random strangers on the bus, the hairpulling <Sorry Spencer>  When I graduate I am throwing the biggest, baddest party <ya I had a wedding, this is gonna top it X6> I keep picturing that beautiful tassel, you WILL be mine, my sweet. (stalker style)

I laughted aloud

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to God’s kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was:
“Don’t…”
“Don’t what?” Adam replied.
“Don’t eat the forbidden fruit.” God said.
“Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve…we got Forbidden Fruit!”
“No way!”
“Yes WAY!”
“Don’t eat that fruit!” said God.
“Why?”
“Because I’m your Creator and I said so!” said God, wondering why he hadn’t stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry…
“Didn’t I tell you not to eat that fruit?” God asked.
“Uh huh,” Adam replied.
“Then why did you?”
“I dunno,” Eve answered.
“She started it!” Adam said.
“Did Not!”
“DID so!”
“DID NOT!!”
Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
But there is a reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Ah Blogger, all the therapy money can buy for free!

Just sitting at home and pondering eternal existance. Seriously I really am... sigh maybe this makes me totally emo but sometimes I wonder, you know big picture!! Like what will I really do for the world if I become a mom or a kindergarten teacher? Will anyone notice or even care if my dreams are on hold which btw they totally are! Blogging is supposed to make me feel better, not sure how thousands of strangers reading my inner most thoughts is good for my soul but hey there it is. Is it the feeling of knowing I am not TRULY alone, someone out there understands me and where I am coming from, even if I don't get myself.

I am so sad, so very very sad

Thanks Scott Pilgram, for the title to today's blog, chat or venting session. Those who know me really well know I LOVE babies. I WANT babies and I do not currently have any babies. I am happily married, I have a career I enjoy. I will have a beautiful home soon, but my nursery is empty. My heart feels the same way. I cannot be good and wait any longer, I have waited so long... I currently am a nanny to the sweetest baby. I adore him and watching him but sometimes I feel I am masochistic. I cried while he was taking a nap today. He is so beautiful and totally not mine... sigh... I know I will have a baby someday. I just wish today was someday.

OMG!

 Hey everyone, I am totally using this blog to distract myself from my incoming exams....and its totally WORKING!! I love this freedom to say what I think and my people can read it or not. HAHAHAHAHA! Seriously skool is freaking me out though. I want, need to be perfect and yet that is so not healthy. I did not know I was a perfectionist but I totally am. Poor Spencer, this is one of those ¨it gets worse before it gets better¨ things. I have more essays and exams coming this month and next month too, gee whiz, but I will be ok right? Right? Right!