Hey! Wanna cry? Just read below

OMG! This is entirely how I feel... um... not the first part but the chorus and the rest of the lyrics.
Kellie Coffey
"I Would Die For That" lyrics
Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.
And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.


Chorus
But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.

I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.
All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.

Chorus
Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."

Chorus
And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die ...
I would die for that.

I left my nemesis for another super villian...

Just to let everyone know, this blog will not only be school oriented anymore because I have to go back to work as a Teacher's Assistant in September. Ya I am crying 'not so secret, silent' tears but if OSAP had not bent me over backwards and screwed me royally in the ... you get the visual, I could have finished my degree 2012. Now its looking like I will finish 2013. Pushed back a whole year, ya I know one can do a year standing on one's head, NOT. OMG! I am freaking just thinking about it. I think I am gonna hypeventalate hyperventilate and forget how to spell.

I am also trying very hard not to let the future spoil this moment. Does anyone know what I mean? Like I passed my first semester and now I should be focusing on how to pass this semester too? Its only 4 months D, 4 months! Instead I find myself distracted by the fact I am going back to something I did not want to do. Do NOT get me wrong I love my job, working with kids, great teachers sharing info, the time 8-3. I just wanted a change. I wanted to be the one in charge of the class, doing the lesson plans, meeting the parents < I do that as a TA but its different>, I want to make long range plans and I want the increased pay that comes with the increased work. Dang it! I want to buy a condo and have a baby already but I need a secure better job which is why I went back to school!!! AHHHHH!The circular reasoning would drive Stephen Hawkin mad!

My thoughts on becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

In retrospect, I question the inclusion of a self destruct button in the first place.

It is so freaking cold out there today! I am only outside for 10 minutes tops but jeeze louis I think I coulda lost an ear to frostbite. I love you, Canada but sometimes when you give me the cold shoulder I in turn want to give you some space so I book a trip to the Caribbean who is your nice friendly cousin, and never once frosty to me and there was that one night in college, I was young, drunk and experimental...

I am so starving but I don't want to eat anything at my school. I want to go home and cook a good meal. Which mean I need to go shopping for food to cook. I know I will not be a student forever in fact I only have 4 months left but come on! I need money for everything, food, gas, books, paper, markers...I am not even shopping for stupid "I can live without it" stuff anymore. I am talking basics people! Until I could not spend,
 I did not know how much I loved you, Money! You are my honey! You cheer me up when I am down and buy me stuff like food, delicious food.

2011 ! How unexpected! And by unexpected I mean completely EXPECTED!

Ya, um this for those who are like why is her X-mas rant in Jan...I forgot to hit publish ok? I actually wrote it December 26 ok? And now for something entirely different.. A january rant! RESOLUTIONS, did anyone make any? Are we still doing that cause I did not get the memo, I have asked several people and they were all like oh no she didn't ask about new year resolutions. I do have a couple.
1: Do not, I repeat, do not try to understand men, women, small children as well as big children.
2: Lose 20 pounds slowly and safely.
3: Study even more.
4: I will let Captain Logic steer my boat instead of Captain Fear < who btw has saved my butt like 6 times>
List to be continued...

Not so long ago....Christmas!

The gifts are unwrapped. The food still digesting. The relatives well kissed and now gone. Christmas. Unlike any other time of the year. Stressful and amazing all at once. I was the hostess with the mostess this year. An honor and privilege, right? Well it was! I enjoyed seeing my family around my table, eating what I prepared <with a bit of help, someday I will cook the turkey solo>, opening our gifts together Christmas morn. I had a fabulous time and I truly think I would do it again, every Christmas time. Even when my kids come along and it gets hectic. I actually cannot wait for that type of hecticness. I hereby swear to never complain about this incredible season in the future, not that I do now. I love Christmas.